Is There a Thai Army Knife? - poem

 

Lawrence Hall

Mhall46184@aol.com

Dispatches for the Colonial Office

 

Is There a Thai Army Knife?

 

 

“A man’s not dressed without his pocketknife”

 

-my father, and surely yours

 

 

At Christmas friends give me Swiss Army Knives

Precisely engineered with all those nifty tools

A most useful adjunct in all men’s lives

For camp and work, this little gadget rules

 

Most days I carry my British Army Knife

Rough and tough; it’ll take it on the chin

The workman’s friend both in peace and strife

(Oh, golly-gosh, the hinge is broken again!)

 

What knife is carried by a Thai G.I.?

Does the Garuda or Elephant adorn its grip?

When guarding a great nation’s land and sky

A soldier needs a blade of fine craftsmanship

 

And in peace, too:

 

It’s true of every worker, all through his life -

A man’s not dressed without his pocketknife

 

(Just ask your father)

He was a Cute Little Boy - poem

 

Lawrence Hall

Mhall46184@aol.com

Dispatches for the Colonial Office

 

He was a Cute Little Boy

 

And on occasion he was told no

          “One…”

Sometimes he was yelled no

          “Two…!”

Sometimes he was yelled no again

          “Twooooo…!”

And again

          “Twooooooooo…this time I mean it!”

Sometimes he was screamed no

          “Twwwwwwwwwoooo!  DON’T MAKE ME GO TO THREE!”

And again

          “Threeeeeeeeeeee! I SAID THREE! YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!”

But then

          “Okay, one…”

And then    

“Two, if you’ll tell your sister you’re sorry…”

And then

          “OKAY, MISTER, THREE! AND I MEAN IT THIS TIME!”

And then

          (“Honey, don’t you think you’re being a little rough? Now you’ve made him cry.”)

 

And then years later the state superior court told him no

          And they didn’t yell.

          And they didn’t say “one”

          And they didn’t say “two”

          And they didn’t say “three”

What Does an I.C.E. Agent Do on His Day Off? - doggerel

 

Lawrence Hall

Mhall46184@aol.com

Dispatches for the Colonial Office

 

What Does an I.C.E. Agent Do on His Day Off?

 

He might want to pause and meditate

Upon the 4^th and 5^th Amendments (they’re in the file)

And the children he locked behind a barbed-wire gate

 

Or

 

He might prepare his defense for his Nuremburg trial

 

[The pronouns “he” and “his” are gender-neutral. This certificate of pronoun compliance is provided for Dr. Karen, Ms. Grundy, and the alligator-shoe boys at Target corporate.]

A Crude Review of my TV Service Provider - doggerel

 

Lawrence Hall

Mhall46184@aol.com

Dispatches for the Colonial Office

 

A Crude Review of my TV Service Provider

 

Unplug and re-set, wait for the blue light

And wait and wait – and now the controller’s not right

Our TV service is known as Spectrum

Which, as you know, rhymes with r****m

Ennui at the Gas Pumps - poem

 

Lawrence Hall

Mhall46184@aol.com

Dispatches for the Colonial Office

 

Ennui at the Gas Pumps

 

You Have Been Approved

 

Please Remove Card Now

 

Select Product

 

Remove Nozzle

 

Begin Fueling

 

Did you bring the fuel ticket?

 

This number is unclear; why is that?

 

The boss wants to see you.

 

Welcome to Another 16-Hour Day

 

Yep

 

Yep

 

Yep

 

(Sigh)

Give a Man a Fish or a Bucket Truck - short poem

  

Give a Man a Fish or a Bucket Truck

 

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day

Give a man a bucket truck and he’ll

Block

  Every blind corner

          Every rural road

          Every lane

          Every driveway

          Every intersection

          Every pasture access

          Every field gate

In the county

The Manifest Destiny of Cooking Shows - short poem

 

Lawrence Hall

Mhall46184@aol.com

Dispatches for the Colonial Office

 

The Manifest Destiny of Cooking Shows

 

There are no national crises so desperate

Or times so burdened by uncertainty, despair, and fear

That the American people will not rouse themselves

To applaud some guy on TV cooking an omelet

 

And let the people cry, “WHOOO!  WHOOO!”